35 days past Memorial Day. We’re in full lock-down mode these days. These are desperate times for the year-round beach dweller. The pantry and the bar are stocked for a full scale siege. Every trip leaving the house is well orchestrated. Is it Saturday? NO. You do not leave the house on Saturday unless it is a emergency. Needing eggs, milk, or tequila is not classified as an emergency. You make do. Time it even a little bit wrong and you either won’t be able to get off the island, or you won’t be able to get back on without sitting in bumper to bumper traffic. Is it Sunday? Don’t even THINK about going to the grocery store – it is the first full day for the weekly renters. Rainy day? No friggin’ way – the stores and movie theater will be jammed with people looking for something to do. What route do you take? Avoid all major roads. Route 17? Not if you don’t have to. Whatever you do, don’t take 1st Street or Causeway Drive if you can help it. Stick to lesser known back roads. Dirt roads are best.
My home in January:
My home in May:
My home the week before July 4th:
The tourons (tourist + moron) have descended upon our peaceful home in droves. People leave their brains at home. WHY? Cause we’re on VACATION!
- Fireworks all evening? YAY – we like to stay up late! Oh, your pets get scared? Sorry!
- Drunk screaming parties on balconies? YAY sounds like fun! Oh, you have to work in the morning? HA!
- Jogging down the middle of the road wearing an iPod? YAY of course the cars will avoid me!
- Surf fishing even though there are swimmers in the water? YAY – bring on the sharks!
- Underage drivers screaming around on public roads in golf carts? YAY – why would normal rules of the road apply at the beach?
- Boats buzzing docks at top speed? YAY – no wake signs are for wussies!
65 more days until Labor Day. I can make it…. All I need to do is take my margarita to the beach and sit and people watch. Always smile and wave at the police riding their ATVs down the strand keeping everyone in line. Wow, that sunburn is going to really hurt tomorrow! You do know there is a thing called sunscreen for people who aren’t used to the beach sun right?
It’s all just a form of cheap entertainment.
