Tag Archives: Relationships

Saying Goodbye is Never Forever

Posted on May 8, 2009 | 1 Comment

I’ve left a number of jobs. The excitement about what comes next is always electrifying and I’ve always been a person to look forward to the next thing. That is the fun part about leaving. Hopeful optimism as I step into the unknown. Good thing I am a “grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” person and not a “stick with the evil you know instead of the evil you don’t”.

One thing that has never changed for me is that it is always so hard to say goodbye to the good folks that will be sorely missed. Once someone isn’t a coworker anymore I tend to lose my “game face” and my emotions leak out. It’s hard not to feel sad when I get a big hug from someone I really liked seeing every day. When I leave I always try and say goodbye to every person I worked with. Every single one. It is a taxing day, and this time I didn’t quite manage it. There were a few folks (and some of you read this blog) that I missed. It wasn’t intentional, our timing was just off. Goodbye – it’s been fun – best wishes – may we meet again.

There are people from each and every company that I’ve worked at that I wish I could still work with. They are all different. Some are quiet. Some are loud. Some are always serious and business-like. Some are always looking at the funny side of work. Some really pushed my buttons but they made me a better person in times of confrontation. Some are sensitive and helped me to realize when I might be stepping on toes. I’ve tried to keep in touch with most of the people I developed a connection with. Sometimes it is difficult because work was the only common interest. Other times old coworker became lifetime friends. And, one of my favorites is when old coworkers become new coworkers under different circumstances. It’s so nice to see a friendly face that I know I can trust.

When my old coworkers and friends found out that I lost my job, I received a huge outpouring of support. Frankly, I was shocked. I got notes and phone calls from people all through the span of my career. I heard from people in CT at UTC where I worked fresh out of college, I heard from IBMers from 15 years ago that I haven’t seen since, I got great support from ex-Nortelers, those that went through the Caspian days, and of course from some ex-coworkers from my recent position. Thank you everyone – I hope to see you all again in another company someday!

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More on Social Networks

Posted on May 5, 2009 | Leave a comment

In my January 9th post I referred to an article about cultivating weak ties in social networks to assist in networking and job searching.

Recently the Wall Street Journal had the following article dubbed “Should Over-50 Job Hunters Join Facebook?”. The article itself wasn’t that remarkable to me – I think that social networks can be really useful.

What I liked about the article is that one of my contacts – Chuck Hester from Raleigh, NC was specifically called out in a national magazine article. Chuck is a LinkedIn master. What is really outstanding about what he does is that he considers “paying it forward” instead of “paying someone back” to be the key to networking. The first time I met Chuck he asked me – what can I do for you? He wasn’t worried about how I could help him. He wanted to figure out if there were ways that he could use his network to assist me in my endeavors. As part of his desire to help others, Chuck runs a regular “LinkedIn Live” gathering in the area to help people connect with one another. I don’t think that I’ve met anyone quite like Chuck in this respect.

I think that everyone can learn some lessons from Chuck. Networks are meant to be nurtured. They aren’t mean to be used only when you need help. I know that when someone in my network is looking for an opportunity I will provide them with whatever help makes the most sense. I’ve spent hours editing resumes for people that I hadn’t seen in 15 years. I’ve provided references for coworkers that I trust and would love to work with again. Sometimes I’ve spent time giving people insight and perspective on an industry that they are trying to break into. It’s worth the time and effort to do these things. Pay it forward.

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The Changing Employer-Employee Relationship

Posted on April 2, 2009 | Leave a comment

From Business Week – Bad times affect expectations on both sides. But managers can turn downturns into an opportunity to build employee loyalty

“To attract, retain, and motivate employees, employers made promises that really could be kept only if the pace of growth in the business continued. Expected growth in profitability and in opportunities were the fuel that fed the “deal” that employers were able to offer employees. At many companies growth plans have since been shelved in favor of retrenchment plans. This recasting of the employment context raises a number of important questions, among them:

• How should we expect the nature of the employer-employee relationship to evolve?

• How have the tools employers have to attract and reward employees changed, and what does that mean for how managers must manage?”

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The Changing Nature of Leadership

Posted on March 26, 2009 | Leave a comment

This Forbes article is almost 2 years old, but it is still worth reading.

“You see, as the more heroic, charismatic styles of leadership were grabbing the headlines over the past decades, another more silently effective leader has been taking hold. Jim Collins in Good to Great calls these individuals “Level 5″ leaders, and he once referred to them as “tofu leaders”–executives who are somewhat bland, mix really well with everything around them, and still provide necessary sustenance. Sure, a more heroic, Welch-esque approach is still needed in some circles and business environments, but in a by-gone era, results aren’t enough.”

I think that we’ve all been taught that a good leader has to be really charismatic and results oriented to be effective. I think that in some instances it can help, but in others it really doesn’t. In today’s environment caring only about the results and not the relationships will really hurt a leader. Right now employees are not feeling particularly loyal to their employers in this age of downsizing, outsourcing, and paycheck and benefits reductions. If their leaders just continue to push hard for results and maintain their larger than life personas without any regard to how it is impacting their teams there will eventually be mutiny in one form or another. Productivity will go down. Morale will be affected. When the job market opens up people will leave.

The corporate leaders that I found to be most effective were the ones that were pragmatic and open. They expected results – no doubt, but I would not say that they had a movie star super high energy personality. They engaged the companies that I worked at by sharing almost everything that was going on, allowing all the employees to contribute to solving the problems in their own unique ways. By fostering this openness in the entire organization it helped forge stronger relationships across the various teams. When employees knew exactly what the sales pipeline and revenue numbers looked liked and what the corporate burn rate was on a month to month basis it helped them make much better decisions when it came to spending money. Knowing what problems the sales team was running into in the field informed the product management and engineering teams as well. Being open about the strengths and weaknesses of the product helped marketing and sales do their jobs better. In these companies the silos were limited, and communication was good. There was a distinct sense of “we’re all in this together” and we all know what the company priorities are. We didn’t need a ra-ra leader to spin tall tales full of hype. In fact, the times that I worked for companies with those kinds of leaders it seemed that the organization as a whole recoiled from slick messaging as if touched by a hot poker.

My advice is that leaders should reward and promote the quiet influencers and relationship builders. They can get so much done without leaving as much as a ripple in their wake. They aren’t noisy, they aren’t polarizing. What they are is effective and their people will generally do whatever it takes to be successful because of the relationships that they have within and across their teams.

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Who Do You Trust?

Posted on March 25, 2009 | Leave a comment

In the last two weeks I had two of my direct reports say some things to me that took a lot of courage. One of them told me that there were things that I could do better to improve the way I was running my organization. The other told me that I was steamrolling them with my experience and not listening to their ideas. (albeit in a more tactful way) Neither one of them felt all that comfortable doing these things, but I am really proud that they showed the courage to do so. I know that I thanked one of them. The other, I talked through why I was doing what I was doing and I think we got to an understanding, though I regret not saying thank you. In any event I didn’t get mad. I didn’t stonewall. I really tried my best to understand and empathize with their positions. I put my feelings on the back burner and listened.

Looking back, I recognized a few things. I never would have said what they said to me to a manager that I didn’t respect. There wouldn’t have been any point to it. I also wouldn’t have said what they said to me to a manager that I didn’t trust to take the comments as a desire to work together better. There have only been a few managers in my career that I would have felt comfortable enough to talk to frankly. Most of my managers didn’t really make constructive feedback feel like a welcome experience. I probably should have stepped into that uncomfortable place more often and tried it out. Who knows – it might have really improved our relationship.

Do you trust your manager? Would you sit them down and tell them exactly what you are feeling and how they are impacting you or how they could improve? Do you think that your direct reports would do the same for you? If not, what can you do to change that?

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Work: When Personalities Clash

Posted on January 13, 2009 | Leave a comment

Work: When Personalities Clash
One thing we all bring to the job is the self, making conflict inevitable. Seize it as a sign to look inward. By: Judith Sills Ph.D.

“In the end—no matter how we refine policies and procedures, no matter how well we train managers or finely construct a job description—we still have to deal with other people. And, as Sartre noted, other people are our hell. Surely he was referring to other people’s personalities.

Personality, that quirky grab bag of traits, tics, reactions, and beliefs that distinguish one person’s projected self from another’s, is the wild card of the workplace. Whereas most of the stressors we encounter at the office can be scheduled, delegated, avoided, or at least reimbursed, the personalities of one’s coworkers remain the uncontrolled variable.

True, that variable largely recedes, swept under by the conforming tsunami of office culture, professionalism, and sheer workload. Still, our selves sneak out, and when they do they often offend someone.

Of course, some selves are more offensive to us than others. Predictably, at one time or another you will share a work team, a cubicle, or a reporting relationship with one of those that offends you. Then you will get to experience first-hand that most commonly reported office problem: the personality conflict.”

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Empathy

Posted on January 12, 2009 | Leave a comment

As I’ve been writing posts lately I’ve realized that the issue that I have really been skirting around is the ability to show empathy for others. One of the hardest things for me to do is to show empathy for someone who is really ticking me off. That is likely true for you as well.

Frequently, people talk about having empathy in their personal lives, but you don’t hear much about it at work. Having empathy for your spouse or your child can help create a bridge that keeps your relationship strong. Having empathy for someone at work can help create a good working relationship. Empathy can also provide a means to take a dysfunctional relationship and improve it. I think that most people shy away from using empathy when they are in a power struggle with someone else because they are afraid that it will make them appear weak. If the person you are dealing with is that concerned with power, you might have some issues, but it is better to figure that out sooner rather than later.

The definition of empathy that I work with is “put yourself in the other person’s position”. I mean really do it. Don’t give it lip service. Use those listening skills and get inside their head. Figure out why they are being intractable. Maybe they think this is just how they are supposed to act. Maybe they don’t feel like you are giving them any options and you are steam rolling them. Maybe their self-confidence isn’t that great and they are trying to look strong.

I was once in a meeting with someone who by all measurable corporate standards had failed to deliver what they were supposed to do. In reality they were setup to fail. They were inexperienced and didn’t get the resources they needed to do their job. There wasn’t a clear set of requirements for what they were tasked to do. The executive committee gave them conflicting direction. It was a very bad situation. One of the other participants in the meeting was bent on punishing them for failing and the meeting quickly was heading down a bad path. It definitely wasn’t very productive, and the person who didn’t deliver became extremely defensive. If I was in his situation I would have as well.

During this meeting I decided to reach out to him with empathy. I echoed his disappointment with the way things had worked out and made him realize that others recognized what really had happened. I also gave value to the things that he did accomplish. This really turned around the meeting and made it much more collaborative. It turned from a witch hunt with a defendant on the witness stand to a discussion about what we learned from the experience.

By showing empathy to someone, you are showing that you are listening to them. This makes them much more likely to really listen to you in return.

If you are interested in reading more about empathy as a piece of emotional intelligence see eqi.org .

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Are you listening?

Posted on January 11, 2009 | Leave a comment

One of the most consistently underrated skills in the workplace – and beyond it – is the ability to really listen and comprehend what someone is trying to say to you. I probably fall pretty far down the spectrum of listener vs talker. I actually need to talk more. That said, I’ve found that you can learn so much about someone by listening to them and observing their body language. The less you talk about your point of view and the more questions you ask about their view on the world, the more you can connect with someone. Unfortunately this skill is frequently questioned at work. People are considered to be disengaged if they aren’t babbling away.

On my recent trip (you’re probably getting sick of this by now – but…) I was subjected to a couple of talkers who weren’t listeners. It was a painfully frustrating experience for me. I guess being in the engineering field spares me from a lot of this behavior on a day to day basis. Most engineers are pretty precise in their method of communication. They also are usually introverted thinkers. There isn’t a lot of extraneous fluff.

During my trip, if there was even a little bit of silence, it had to be filled. Generally it was filled with drivel. I didn’t need to hear about long forgotten pet turtles riding in barbie doll cars when when our naturalist on the trip was trying to explain the differences between turtles and tortoises. This wasn’t coming from a young child – it was coming from a woman who was nearly 50! She would talk and talk and talk, interspersing questions along the way, continuing to talk over any attempts to answer them. At one point earlier in the week I tried to answer a question that she repeatedly asked – and got talked over three times. Three strikes and you’re out – from that point I didn’t bother trying to answer her at all. I guess the answer wasn’t important or interesting to her, what was important was filling all the available airtime.

Lest you think that I am picking on the female half of the species, I’d also like to introduce another offender that I call “captain obvious”. Pick the most inane obvious observation that one can possibly make, and state it. Repeat. Don’t bother asking interesting or thoughtful questions. Take the information that someone just told you, and ask something about it that was clearly stated in the first place, proving time and time again that you weren’t listening one iota. Every evening at dinner we went over the next day’s itinerary and what we should look for. Almost every morning he would ask “what island are we going to today?” Huh? During the evening we sometimes had quizzes to pass the time after dark. Our guide would ask us questions about what we learned during the day. The big talkers in the group weren’t able to recall much of anything. In one ear, out the other. After a while our guide gave up. He didn’t provide us with lectures or videos at night because it was clear that some folks couldn’t handle the information overload. That made me sad. I would have liked to learn more.

Unfortunately, I have seen this behavior at work as well. I can’t tell you how many times a big talker assumes that everyone is in agreement with him (or her) because he never bothered to listen or watch body language. Keep on talking and the rest of the room starts to get restless. No one is making eye contact, and guess what – you’ve been tuned out. Feeling the need to talk without soliciting feedback pretty much guarantees that the other participant in the conversation will disengage. Notice when eyes start to glaze over. Stop. Listen. Who knows what you might actually learn when you give the other person an opening. Yes, it might not be what you want to hear, but at least you will know where the other party stands on a topic. Talking at them won’t change their mind, you’ll just come across as pushy.

This is where real creativity comes can occur. When you know what is important to someone else it is a lot easier to come to an agreement that is mutually acceptable. When brianstorming together you invariably can come up with a much better solution than either one of you could devise independently.

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The Conscience Police

Posted on January 10, 2009 | Leave a comment

From Wikipedia:

Conscience is an ability or a faculty that distinguishes whether one’s actions are right or wrong. In plain English, it is a person’s inner sense of what is right or what is wrong morally. It leads to feelings of remorse when one does things that go against his/her moral values, and to feelings of rectitude or integrity when one’s actions conform to our moral values. It is also the attitude which informs one’s moral judgment before performing any action. The extent to which such moral judgments are based in reason has been a matter of controversy almost throughout the history of Western philosophy.

Commonly used metaphors refer to the “voice of conscience” or “voice within.”

The “Conscience Police” came about a few years ago on New Year’s Eve at our neighbor’s house. I have to apologize to Candy for stealing this concept. So you might ask – what is the conscience police? It is an elite force on a covert mission to enforce a conscience on those who don’t seem to possess one. The conscience police will lock you up!

handcuff

I think you know what I mean.

At work for example we have:

  • Customers yelling or even swearing at support personnel for things they couldn’t possibly be responsible for, nor fix.
  • People who will eat your food in the work fridge without asking or replacing it.
  • Co-workers who won’t clean up the kitchen when they caused the mess.
  • Teammates who take ideas and pass them off as their own.

In the rest of the world we find:

  • People who can’t be bothered to say please or thank you to service workers.
  • Drivers who will run you off the road to get one spot ahead in traffic.
  • The hurried who park in fire lanes and handicapped spots because “they will just be a moment”.

I know, I know. These are minor things. It’s not like someone is out there murdering children. However, it demonstrates a distinct lack of empathy for the rest of the world. I’ll go even further and say that it is fall-out of our me-centric society. If I can justify the benefit to myself it’s good enough. Who cares how it impacts someone else.

Imagine a world in which the conscience police existed. Ok, I agree it’d probably be pretty scary – I know that I’ve had some lapses! Guilty as charged! But think – you’d take a minute and smile at someone who looked like they needed it. You’d stop treating service workers like they were invisible. You’d be kinder to your coworkers and your family.  I’d also venture to bet that people who start treating you better in return too.

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Switzerland

Posted on January 7, 2009 | Leave a comment

There’s a huge difference between really being a neutral party and politicking and trying to appease everyone. In one case you garner the respect of all involved, in the other, there definitely will come a time when things will blow up in your face. This article from Business Week on politics in the office is a good read about staying above the fray: Resisting the Pull of Office Politics

Be Switzerland….
switzerland

I think that trying to please everyone usually starts when you find yourself agreeing with people in settings when your brain is screaming “NO!!! That’s so screwed up! What are you an idiot??!!!”  Maybe this person is your boss – or someone who has authority over you in some way – that makes it even harder. Maybe you’ll throw in a little placation too. Heck, and once you’re there – if they are ranting about someone else it is always easy to make some snide comments and have fun at someone else’s expense. Someone who isn’t there to defend themselves. Besides, it is easier to agree than to argue.  Anyway, it’s harmless. Right? Wrong. Well, next thing you know, you find yourself having a more similar conversations, maybe with people with the opposite viewpoint. The poison is spreading to other people. The team is splitting into multiple factions. There is no empathy between the different sides.

Politics start before high school. You’d think that as we grow up that we’d learn that this isn’t a game worth playing. Sadly, even people who should be older and wiser fall prey to this.

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