Entries tagged as ‘Relationships’
In the last two weeks I had two of my direct reports say some things to me that took a lot of courage. One of them told me that there were things that I could do better to improve the way I was running my organization. The other told me that I was steamrolling them with my experience and not listening to their ideas. (albeit in a more tactful way) Neither one of them felt all that comfortable doing these things, but I am really proud that they showed the courage to do so. I know that I thanked one of them. The other, I talked through why I was doing what I was doing and I think we got to an understanding, though I regret not saying thank you. In any event I didn’t get mad. I didn’t stonewall. I really tried my best to understand and empathize with their positions. I put my feelings on the back burner and listened.
Looking back, I recognized a few things. I never would have said what they said to me to a manager that I didn’t respect. There wouldn’t have been any point to it. I also wouldn’t have said what they said to me to a manager that I didn’t trust to take the comments as a desire to work together better. There have only been a few managers in my career that I would have felt comfortable enough to talk to frankly. Most of my managers didn’t really make constructive feedback feel like a welcome experience. I probably should have stepped into that uncomfortable place more often and tried it out. Who knows – it might have really improved our relationship.
Do you trust your manager? Would you sit them down and tell them exactly what you are feeling and how they are impacting you or how they could improve? Do you think that your direct reports would do the same for you? If not, what can you do to change that?
Categories: Leadership
Tagged: Listening, Relationships, Trust
Work: When Personalities Clash
One thing we all bring to the job is the self, making conflict inevitable. Seize it as a sign to look inward. By: Judith Sills Ph.D.
“In the end—no matter how we refine policies and procedures, no matter how well we train managers or finely construct a job description—we still have to deal with other people. And, as Sartre noted, other people are our hell. Surely he was referring to other people’s personalities.
Personality, that quirky grab bag of traits, tics, reactions, and beliefs that distinguish one person’s projected self from another’s, is the wild card of the workplace. Whereas most of the stressors we encounter at the office can be scheduled, delegated, avoided, or at least reimbursed, the personalities of one’s coworkers remain the uncontrolled variable.
True, that variable largely recedes, swept under by the conforming tsunami of office culture, professionalism, and sheer workload. Still, our selves sneak out, and when they do they often offend someone.
Of course, some selves are more offensive to us than others. Predictably, at one time or another you will share a work team, a cubicle, or a reporting relationship with one of those that offends you. Then you will get to experience first-hand that most commonly reported office problem: the personality conflict.”
Categories: Tactical
Tagged: Personality Types, Relationships
As I’ve been writing posts lately I’ve realized that the issue that I have really been skirting around is the ability to show empathy for others. One of the hardest things for me to do is to show empathy for someone who is really ticking me off. That is likely true for you as well.
Frequently, people talk about having empathy in their personal lives, but you don’t hear much about it at work. Having empathy for your spouse or your child can help create a bridge that keeps your relationship strong. Having empathy for someone at work can help create a good working relationship. Empathy can also provide a means to take a dysfunctional relationship and improve it. I think that most people shy away from using empathy when they are in a power struggle with someone else because they are afraid that it will make them appear weak. If the person you are dealing with is that concerned with power, you might have some issues, but it is better to figure that out sooner rather than later.
The definition of empathy that I work with is “put yourself in the other person’s position”. I mean really do it. Don’t give it lip service. Use those listening skills and get inside their head. Figure out why they are being intractable. Maybe they think this is just how they are supposed to act. Maybe they don’t feel like you are giving them any options and you are steam rolling them. Maybe their self-confidence isn’t that great and they are trying to look strong.
I was once in a meeting with someone who by all measurable corporate standards had failed to deliver what they were supposed to do. In reality they were setup to fail. They were inexperienced and didn’t get the resources they needed to do their job. There wasn’t a clear set of requirements for what they were tasked to do. The executive committee gave them conflicting direction. It was a very bad situation. One of the other participants in the meeting was bent on punishing them for failing and the meeting quickly was heading down a bad path. It definitely wasn’t very productive, and the person who didn’t deliver became extremely defensive. If I was in his situation I would have as well.
During this meeting I decided to reach out to him with empathy. I echoed his disappointment with the way things had worked out and made him realize that others recognized what really had happened. I also gave value to the things that he did accomplish. This really turned around the meeting and made it much more collaborative. It turned from a witch hunt with a defendant on the witness stand to a discussion about what we learned from the experience.
By showing empathy to someone, you are showing that you are listening to them. This makes them much more likely to really listen to you in return.
If you are interested in reading more about empathy as a piece of emotional intelligence see eqi.org .
Categories: Tactical
Tagged: Listening, Relationships
One of the most consistently underrated skills in the workplace – and beyond it – is the ability to really listen and comprehend what someone is trying to say to you. I probably fall pretty far down the spectrum of listener vs talker. I actually need to talk more. That said, I’ve found that you can learn so much about someone by listening to them and observing their body language. The less you talk about your point of view and the more questions you ask about their view on the world, the more you can connect with someone. Unfortunately this skill is frequently questioned at work. People are considered to be disengaged if they aren’t babbling away.
On my recent trip (you’re probably getting sick of this by now – but…) I was subjected to a couple of talkers who weren’t listeners. It was a painfully frustrating experience for me. I guess being in the engineering field spares me from a lot of this behavior on a day to day basis. Most engineers are pretty precise in their method of communication. They also are usually introverted thinkers. There isn’t a lot of extraneous fluff.
During my trip, if there was even a little bit of silence, it had to be filled. Generally it was filled with drivel. I didn’t need to hear about long forgotten pet turtles riding in barbie doll cars when when our naturalist on the trip was trying to explain the differences between turtles and tortoises. This wasn’t coming from a young child – it was coming from a woman who was nearly 50! She would talk and talk and talk, interspersing questions along the way, continuing to talk over any attempts to answer them. At one point earlier in the week I tried to answer a question that she repeatedly asked – and got talked over three times. Three strikes and you’re out – from that point I didn’t bother trying to answer her at all. I guess the answer wasn’t important or interesting to her, what was important was filling all the available airtime.
Lest you think that I am picking on the female half of the species, I’d also like to introduce another offender that I call “captain obvious”. Pick the most inane obvious observation that one can possibly make, and state it. Repeat. Don’t bother asking interesting or thoughtful questions. Take the information that someone just told you, and ask something about it that was clearly stated in the first place, proving time and time again that you weren’t listening one iota. Every evening at dinner we went over the next day’s itinerary and what we should look for. Almost every morning he would ask “what island are we going to today?” Huh? During the evening we sometimes had quizzes to pass the time after dark. Our guide would ask us questions about what we learned during the day. The big talkers in the group weren’t able to recall much of anything. In one ear, out the other. After a while our guide gave up. He didn’t provide us with lectures or videos at night because it was clear that some folks couldn’t handle the information overload. That made me sad. I would have liked to learn more.
Unfortunately, I have seen this behavior at work as well. I can’t tell you how many times a big talker assumes that everyone is in agreement with him (or her) because he never bothered to listen or watch body language. Keep on talking and the rest of the room starts to get restless. No one is making eye contact, and guess what – you’ve been tuned out. Feeling the need to talk without soliciting feedback pretty much guarantees that the other participant in the conversation will disengage. Notice when eyes start to glaze over. Stop. Listen. Who knows what you might actually learn when you give the other person an opening. Yes, it might not be what you want to hear, but at least you will know where the other party stands on a topic. Talking at them won’t change their mind, you’ll just come across as pushy.
This is where real creativity comes can occur. When you know what is important to someone else it is a lot easier to come to an agreement that is mutually acceptable. When brianstorming together you invariably can come up with a much better solution than either one of you could devise independently.
Categories: Personal · Tactical
Tagged: Creativity, Listening, Relationships
From Wikipedia:
Conscience is an ability or a faculty that distinguishes whether one’s actions are right or wrong. In plain English, it is a person’s inner sense of what is right or what is wrong morally. It leads to feelings of remorse when one does things that go against his/her moral values, and to feelings of rectitude or integrity when one’s actions conform to our moral values. It is also the attitude which informs one’s moral judgment before performing any action. The extent to which such moral judgments are based in reason has been a matter of controversy almost throughout the history of Western philosophy.
Commonly used metaphors refer to the “voice of conscience” or “voice within.”
The “Conscience Police” came about a few years ago on New Year’s Eve at our neighbor’s house. I have to apologize to Candy for stealing this concept. So you might ask – what is the conscience police? It is an elite force on a covert mission to enforce a conscience on those who don’t seem to possess one. The conscience police will lock you up!
I think you know what I mean.
At work for example we have:
- Customers yelling or even swearing at support personnel for things they couldn’t possibly be responsible for, nor fix.
- People who will eat your food in the work fridge without asking or replacing it.
- Co-workers who won’t clean up the kitchen when they caused the mess.
- Teammates who take ideas and pass them off as their own.
In the rest of the world we find:
- People who can’t be bothered to say please or thank you to service workers.
- Drivers who will run you off the road to get one spot ahead in traffic.
- The hurried who park in fire lanes and handicapped spots because “they will just be a moment”.
I know, I know. These are minor things. It’s not like someone is out there murdering children. However, it demonstrates a distinct lack of empathy for the rest of the world. I’ll go even further and say that it is fall-out of our me-centric society. If I can justify the benefit to myself it’s good enough. Who cares how it impacts someone else.
Imagine a world in which the conscience police existed. Ok, I agree it’d probably be pretty scary – I know that I’ve had some lapses! Guilty as charged! But think – you’d take a minute and smile at someone who looked like they needed it. You’d stop treating service workers like they were invisible. You’d be kinder to your coworkers and your family. I’d also venture to bet that people who start treating you better in return too.
Categories: Personal
Tagged: Relationships
There’s a huge difference between really being a neutral party and politicking and trying to appease everyone. In one case you garner the respect of all involved, in the other, there definitely will come a time when things will blow up in your face. This article from Business Week on politics in the office is a good read about staying above the fray: Resisting the Pull of Office Politics
Be Switzerland….
I think that trying to please everyone usually starts when you find yourself agreeing with people in settings when your brain is screaming “NO!!! That’s so screwed up! What are you an idiot??!!!” Maybe this person is your boss – or someone who has authority over you in some way – that makes it even harder. Maybe you’ll throw in a little placation too. Heck, and once you’re there – if they are ranting about someone else it is always easy to make some snide comments and have fun at someone else’s expense. Someone who isn’t there to defend themselves. Besides, it is easier to agree than to argue. Anyway, it’s harmless. Right? Wrong. Well, next thing you know, you find yourself having a more similar conversations, maybe with people with the opposite viewpoint. The poison is spreading to other people. The team is splitting into multiple factions. There is no empathy between the different sides.
Politics start before high school. You’d think that as we grow up that we’d learn that this isn’t a game worth playing. Sadly, even people who should be older and wiser fall prey to this.
Categories: Tactical
Tagged: Relationships
Respect, everyone wants it. Everyone deserves it. Just because someone doesn’t have as much money as you do, as much status in their role at work, or even as nice clothes doesn’t mean that they are less deserving than you are. Many times it means quite the opposite. There are a lot of hard working genuine people in the world. They have a lot of dignity, and they treat others with kindness.
The crew on our boat this past week were the quiet hardworking folks. Our captain and the first mate always kept the boat and the zodiak on course. The cabin steward kept the place clean, made up our beds, always had coffee and food served perfectly (he even folded the napkins just so!) and was ready with a joke. The engineer fixed everything with a smile. And the cook. Oh man, Eddie wasn’t just a cook, he was a chef – the food he prepared was superb. He was professionally trained in Columbia. He used to own a restaurant but gave it up because he couldn’t find good help long term. He decided to cook on a boat.
Eddie also is diabetic, that’s a hard sentence for a chef to bear. So is my husband. Apparently blood glucose testing meters and strips are not the norm in Ecuador and he noticed we brought one and asked to be tested. To make a long story short, after a week of talking to Eddie through a translator, and through pantomime communication and lots of testing we made a close friend. It makes me smile just thinking about him wishing me a good morning and asking me how I was doing. Midway through the trip my husband gave Eddie his spare blood glucose meter and enough testing strips to last him over a month. He educated Eddie in how to test his glucose and about keeping his blood sugar stable.
As for the rest of the crew, for Christmas we packed some chocolate treats to share. I made sure to share them first with the crew before the other passengers. These guys were working over the holidays. They weren’t on vacation like the rest of us. Feliz Navidad. As the week progressed, we pulled out more “American” snacks – and always put them out for the crew first.
All of this didn’t seem like much to me. We could easily afford it. It was the right thing to do. Neither one of us expected anything in return.
Some of our vacationing shipmates seemed to think otherwise. Instead of connecting with they crew they barked orders at them. “Get me coffee!”. “We didn’t like dinner – we want beans and rice tomorrow”. Where was the “please” or “por favor”? Where was the “thank you/gracias”? It wasn’t forthcoming. Our guide made a point of pointing this out to them. It fell on deaf ears. For some people on our trip, our crew was relegated to the role of the invisible servant.
At the end of the trip, the crew presented me with a Club Deportivo El Nacional Team jersey. I was floored. I wasn’t expecting anything in return. All of the crew had the same jersey. I have some terrific photos of me with some of them all dressed alike. The funny thing is that these same folks who treated the crew like servants kept asking why they gave me the jersey. I suspect that they thought they would get one too. It was obvious to me – clear as the nose on your face.
My question for you: how do you treat your office manager, your secretary, your support personnel? Do you bark orders at them? Do you really appreciate what they do? Do you try to connect with them? If not – why not? What could it hurt? I am sure that it would help.
Categories: Personal
Tagged: Relationships
To me, teamwork means looking out for one another. It means taking up the slack when someone is falling behind. It means helping to make sure that everyone will make the deadline. It means compassion. It also means the drive to be successful.
I guess I have always felt that marriage is one of the greatest example of how good teamwork can really make a difference. One couple on our trip was a sterling example of this. They would switch a backpack between them while hiking to lighten the load. They would jovially help each other getting on their wetsuits. They would always look out for one another, making sure they had enough water for our treks, worrying about hats and sunscreen etc. It was really sweet to see. What made it even more remarkable was the fact that they had been married for 25 years and were still so caring. I ever heard any complaining or bickering aside for some very kind hearted joking. Team work at its absolute best. They accepted each others faults and compensated for them.
The other couple on the trip was the opposite. Holy cow. The first night at dinner when asked about the low lights and highlights of their trip so far, the husband said that his low light was his wife’s complaining. He said this to a bunch of strangers. What was he thinking? He also went on about how they were “sort of married” (I later found out for nearly 10 years) because she didn’t take his last name. How can that be “sort of”? What kind of statement was that? When she fell behind on the trail, he left her and didn’t even look back. When he was her snorkeling “buddy” he would swim off and let her fend for herself. She ended up spending most of the snorkeling time in the zodiak boat because she was afraid of the sharks in the water. They each packed their own packs and water for the day. There was no sharing or camaraderie. Later on during the trip he talked about how he “took her in” when she had problems with her apartment and she had nothing. It was as though she was a pet, not a partner. I guess he should have adopted a different puppy with the way things seemed to be going. He was also very controlling – he always had to tell her what to do. If she was late he yelled for her rather than doing what he could to help her. It was really embarrassing to watch.
I’ve seen this type of behavior at work too. There are people who are part of the same team who do everything they can to position themselves for success at the expense of everyone else. They point to others for blame. “It wasn’t my fault we didn’t make the milestone – my deliverable was ready on time.” They refuse to provide the aid that is necessary for the entire team to be successful. This is crap. A good team is like a good marriage. People are there for you when you need them, and you are there for them.
A really great team knows how to capitalize on the best skills of the people involved and how to compensate for their shortcomings. Through peer coaching and mentoring the team can provide a safe environment for junior members to learn and improve their skills.
Categories: Personal
Tagged: Relationships, Team Building
I think that we’ve all had that not-so-pleasant funny feeling when someone we don’t know very well invades our personal space. This is definitely a cultural phenomenon. People from the United States typically desire a much larger personal space bubble than individuals from other countries. As a woman in business I am seriously tuned into the implications of people getting too close to me. Personally, I do not like it. Like many people I perceive it to either be a challenge to my authority or an attempt at a come-on. I especially do not like it when people I don’t know really well try to touch me beyond a business only handshake. Once you’re my friend, it’s ok, but if you are a stranger or a coworker, I prefer an airspace bubble around me.
That said, I don’t do the personal space dance. It takes a lot to make me back away when someone invades my personal space. I do my best to be “larger” and take up more room. I’m sure my facial expressions and body language make it clear I’m not happy though. Sometimes I even ask the person to give me more room. I used to back away and the two step that ensued was pretty funny. Take a step away and the personal space invader crowds closer. Repeat.
Ask yourself – are you oblivious to the personal space of others? If you always seem to be bumping into people during your regular daily activities (I’m not talking standing room only subways or buses here!) you probably are. Have you ever run into a sharp elbow after you’ve bumped someone multiple times? Do you think it is perfectly ok to walk up and stand right in front of someone to get a better view of what they were studying? Does it always seem like you are pursuing someone when you are trying to have a conversation with them? Don’t be this person. It isn’t about what you are comfortable with. It is all about reading your partner and understanding what level of closeness they can tolerate with you.
Categories: Personal
Tagged: Relationships
Do you adapt well to changing or uncomfortable circumstances? Really? Are you sure? I’m not convinced. It’s a skill that not everyone has. In fact, I would say that most people are pretty change averse. Personally I am not. I itch for change. My husband says that I like to change things and try the unfamiliar just for the sake of the experience, not because of any other reason.
On my trip one couple was truly unable to cope with difficult circumstances. They inconvenienced many people in the process of trying to get comfortable, and they felt entitled to do so. This was done under the guise of “taking care of myself first” and it was done without any regard to how it impacted anyone else. It was clear that they expected their little bubble of USA standard of living comfort to follow them regardless of where they were in the world.
First off – let me tell you a little bit about the cabin that my husband and I shared during the trip. It was one of the smallest berths on the boat. We were expecting a full sized bed in it. When we got there, we found two smaller than twin bed bunks that were at different heights with a wooden board between them. They were at different heights because the bunks were located directly over one of the two big diesel engines that powered the boat from island to island over night. By directly, I mean that there was a hatch that we could open and we could see the engine. When the wind wasn’t right, diesel exhaust fumes came in through our very small open windows when the engines were running. There was no a/c (expected) so the windows had to remain open. There was only enough floor space in the cabin proper for one of us to stand if the other wasn’t in the bathroom. The shower was a hand held and the process of using it involved sitting on the toilet. This was no problem for us. This was the trip of a lifetime and we found that the vibration of the diesel engine helped lull us to sleep after a long hard day. The beds were extremely comfortable as well – regardless of their size. The open window in the roof of our cabin gave us a view of some of the most spectacular starry skies I have ever seen. There was no light pollution to speak of and the sight was amazing. I am truly thankful for the experience we had, and I don’t think that it would have been anywhere near the same in a big boat with a big suite with a/c and the light pollution of a cruise ship.
Flash to their experience. They had one of the best and largest cabins on the boat. It was on the front of the boat, far from the diesel engine noise and vibration at the back. They had a long corridor in their cabin – they even had drawers. (yes! Drawers!! we had 3 small cabinets) They had a shower in a separate room (!!) from the toilet and sink. They had numerous large windows. They had a double bed! They also had the diesel generator sitting above their room. It ran from 6am – noon and from 4 – 9pm. Yes, that wasn’t great, but it wasn’t running at night. They only spent 2 nights in their room. The first night the diesel fumes were too bad. They complained and complained the next day until our poor guide traded beds with them. They didn’t trade rooms with him however, just beds. His room didn’t have a shower – he showered in the space with the rest of the crew. Unacceptable. Besides, it would have been too much work to pack up their belongings and move them to the other room. Because of this they would have the crew of the boat WAKE HIM UP so they could get their things in the morning. I guess they felt the customer always should get what they want. On the last night, they decided to sleep in their room because they needed to pack to get ready to leave the boat the next morning. That night we had the roughest open water crossing of the trip. My husband was still on deck around midnight that night and what he saw appalled him. The guide’s cabin was midship so it had less roll. The husband came out, complained of feeling sea sick and woke up the guide, kicking him out of the cabin so he and his wife could sleep there. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. What were these people thinking? Why was their sleep and experience so much more important than that of the person who guided us all week? I guess they had to take care of themselves.
The really sad part is that during the week the wife kept talking about how she was able to easily adapt to tough circumstances. HA! She didn’t adapt, she whined until someone got sick of listening to her and made their experience worse to end the complaining. During the week we kept pointing out that she was not adapting, and finally the last night I really let loose with both barrels. I still don’t think that she had a clue.
Exhibit this kind behavior at work and you will make a lot of enemies. The benefit of the team is more important than the benefit of you as an individual. You need to be able to positively adapt to difficult and extenuating circumstances without a lot of drama. If you believe this simple thing and live it, you will always have supporters in your camp.
Now I ask you this:
When new processes or other changes are rolled out at work what do you do? Do you pick them right up and make sure that they get implemented as quickly and efficiently as possible? Or do you roll your eyes and commiserate with your pals about how management just doesn’t get it and that this is another initiative that is bound to fail?
What do you do when you are given the opportunity for a skill stretching assignment? Do you jump right in and learn as much as you can? Or do you avoid the work – sticking to what you know best and remaining in your comfort zone?
Only the adaptable will survive. Make sure you are one of them.
Categories: Personal
Tagged: Relationships, Resilience, Taking Responsibility
