As the economy is starting to turn around, a lot of companies are going to get back into a hiring mode. Since it’s probably been a while since you’ve had to think about this stuff, I thought it would be good to put together a list of pointers to help you make sure that a new person has the worst possible on-boarding experience ever.
- Leave the person sitting unattended for hours at a time – Nothing says you’re insignificant and we don’t really care that you’re part of our team like this one. If you tell them that you want to meet with them first thing in the morning on their first day – make sure to show up at least an hour late. They can cool their heels in the receptionist area waiting. You know you have more important things to do.
- Ignore the person’s background when you provide training – Just because everyone is different doesn’t mean you need to customize how you bring them up to speed. It’s much easier to just train everyone the same way regardless of what they know. So what if it is frustrating for someone that really knows what they are doing – or is too complicated for someone who has never done the job before.
- Forget them around lunchtime – This one is especially entertaining if the person is new to the area and has no idea where to go to get some food on their first day. Leaving them behind at lunch is a great way to be able to talk about how annoying it is to train the new guy.
- Don’t have their computer systems and accounts setup – This is best for people whose jobs really depend on computer access. Give them some out of date printouts to read while they wait a week (or more) for their computer to show up. Nothing says loving like dry hardcopy in an 8pt font.
- Give them the worst desk and chair in the office – Especially effective if you can find a “trick” chair that has a habit of tipping over or has a bad pneumatic lift mechanism.
- Don’t provide them with a buddy – Buddies get bothered with all of the stupid questions. If you don’t provide one, the new hire will have to figure everything out for themselves.
- Make sure to hit on your new coworker – This doesn’t scream “awkward situation” for a new person trying to learn their way around their new office and among their new coworkers.
Clearly I’m being facetious with my advice, but I’ve had all of these things happen to me at one time or another when I’ve started a new job. Here’s hoping that my next position won’t provide me with a new way to expand my list!
